“What if I had called one more time just to check in? What if he didn’t know how loved he was before he died? What if she would not have left me had I done more? What if…”
These “what if” questions can often feel quite natural and perhaps necessary when we ask them, especially when we are in the throes of grief and loss. These types of questions are also understandable when there is an underlying feeling like guilt or regret following a loss. At the same time, interrogating ourselves with these “what if” questions can lead to disappointment, followed by even more agony, especially when the answers (or lack thereof) end up being different or not as clear-cut compared to what we had hoped.
In short, encountering these non-answers to our hard questions can feel like salt in the wound. Of course it can. Why wouldn’t it? Dealing with loss – whether a loved one, a relationship, a pregnancy, a pet, or perhaps a job – is already painful, after all. Asking hard questions when we are not finding easy answers can be extremely frustrating, which may leave us feeling more disoriented than ever.
So, what do we do with those questions, then? Well, that is a fair question. First, remember that grief is not a formula but rather a process, which means there will be plenty of time to explore whichever questions have been demanding your attention – later on. In the meantime, here are a few ideas that might be worth considering.
Take a break by simply breathing slowly and deeply. Do this several times. Notice your inhaling and exhaling. Notice whatever else comes to mind, then simply redirect your focus back to breath. Continue noticing whatever comes up, then simply keep going back to taking slow, deep breaths. Keep going until you notice both your body and your mind slowing down.
Next, as if you are speaking to the press, tell yourself that you will not be taking any more questions right now. Notice what your body is telling you and focus on that instead. Maybe you need a snack, a nap, or a shower. The basics are good enough for right now.
Schedule a “designated grief time” for yourself. For example, try 15-20 minutes before your end-of-day routine starts. There are many ways to do this, including writing, praying, or confiding in someone you trust. However you choose to spend this time, give yourself permission to simply notice your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgemental way.
Fourth and finally, give yourself permission to rely on others for support. As many of us know, grief can feel like there is no method to this madness. Trying to grieve alone could exacerbate this challenge. However, allowing yourself to ask for support can be a helpful place to start.
Some people find strategies like the ones above helpful. For others, the process of grief looks very different. Remember, there is no wrong way to grieve. It is okay to feel what you’re feeling, and it is okay to be unsure of what to do with those feelings. That said, however you chart your path forward, remember that you do not have to go it alone.
“What if there isn’t anyone I can trust to be vulnerable with right now?”
Vulnerability is important, but so is trust. Maybe a licensed therapist could be that trustworthy person for a season. Part of a therapist’s job is also to help you strengthen your support system in real life. So, whether it’s one of us at Sequoia Counseling Center or if it is connecting you with another provider in the community, it would be an honor to help determine the next step of the grief process for you or for someone you care about.
Ryan Woods, LPC
My goal as a counselor is to help adults, adolescents, and children by providing a space to be heard, process life’s challenges, and develop the necessary skills to thrive mentally, physically, and spiritually. My overall approach to therapy involves cognitive behavioral methods, as well as narrative therapy. I view counseling as a collaborative effort in helping clients recognize strengths, identify needs, understand conflicts, discover new options, set personal development goals, and make informed choices.
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