If you are like a lot of people, you may hear a song that describes the holidays as “the most wonderful time of year” and immediately roll your eyes. If asked to revise the lyrics of that famous song, many of us could quickly come up with lots of alternatives to the word “wonderful.”
Maybe you are already nodding your head as you think of what your word of choice would be. Now, take a step back from this lyrical exercise, then notice which people or relationships are coming to mind. Notice how you might be feeling as you think of that person or relationship. (Also, thank you for bearing with me as you notice what might be a significant buzz kill.)
Okay, now take a deep breath as you continue reading. My guess is that if you are reading this article (which you clearly are), you have experienced your fair share of this seasonal relationship tension. Perhaps, like many others, this relationship tension does not lessen during the aftermath of a presidential election, particularly if not everyone in your family sees eye-to-eye when it comes to politics. If this is your experience, then the default level of annual holiday tension has just gone up - perhaps significantly - and you are hoping to just get through this season without hurting someone you love - or perhaps being on the receiving end of this type of hurt.
If you are still nodding your head, then fear not. You are not alone. If you are nodding your head slightly less at this point, then maybe the source of your family tension is less political in nature, in which case the tension probably rises to about the same level this time of year regardless of whether an election occurred recently. In that case, you are not alone either, because regardless of the source of disagreement, conflict can happen just the same.
So, now that many of us have sufficiently accessed the thoughts and feelings that come with that wonderful (or less-than-wonderful) time of year, let’s shift gears for a moment and think of a person who has changed for the better. Think about a person who has matured, grown, or become a better version of themselves than they used to be. Whoever this person is (family or not), think now for a moment about the relationships in the life of this person who is now different. Though maybe not always the case, there is probably a good chance that they have experienced growth and changed at not only an individual level, but at a relational level as well.
When you think about it, this idea makes a lot of sense. After all, if people really can change for the better, then it would stand to reason that relationships can change for the better as well. At the same time, most of us would be quick to agree with the familiar adage “easier said than done.” Fair enough.
So, what would actually pursuing relational change within your family look like? What can actually be done, especially during what is naturally a high-stress time of the year for so many of us? These are great questions. Let’s circle back now to whatever source of tension exists within your family. (For the sake of this blog, we will stick with politics as an example, but feel free to replace this with whatever other source of tension might be more applicable for you.)
The authors of a book called The After Party propose the idea of prioritizing our relationships in the midst of political tension by focusing on the “how” of politics rather than only the “what” of politics. In other words, when you are with your family this holiday season and the inevitable topic of politics comes up while someone is passing the mashed potatoes, you can choose at that moment to focus on the way you respond rather than just the words of your response.
If, for example, you notice yourself feeling irritated and are tempted to tell the other person why they are wrong about, say, their views on immigration, try focusing instead on taking a few deep breaths before responding. Not responding at all may be an option worth considering. If you decide it would be better to say something than to allow a tense or awkward silence to linger, try asking a follow-up question to hear more about the other person’s opinion before saying your own opinion. Or, as the main character of the hit TV show Ted Lasso says to his opponent during a game of darts, “be curious, not judgmental.”
Granted, trying this approach over a family dinner may not go over quite as smoothly as it did on that particular TV show, and that is okay. What matters most is simply that you are intentionally choosing to value the relationship with the person more than that person’s opinion or your own opinion about a particular issue. Whether the disagreement is about politics or something more trivial but just as intense (like your college football team of choice), remember that you love the person that you get to be with in that moment more than you love your stance on a particular issue or conversation topic.
Do that, and you may notice that over time, much like that person who changed for the better, your relationship begins to change for the better as well. If that happens, then there’s a good chance that the person in the mirror will have changed for the better as well.
Ryan Woods, LPC
My goal as a counselor is to help adults, adolescents, and children by providing a space to be heard, process life’s challenges, and develop the necessary skills to thrive mentally, physically, and spiritually. My overall approach to therapy involves cognitive behavioral methods, as well as narrative therapy. I view counseling as a collaborative effort in helping clients recognize strengths, identify needs, understand conflicts, discover new options, set personal development goals, and make informed choices.
Comments