The term, ‘gaslighting’ has been tossed around a lot on the internet lately, to the point where I wonder if people know what it actually means. It has been confused for, ‘defensiveness,’ which we will compare.
Gaslighting is an extreme form of manipulation, which causes the victim to question their sanity. The gaslighter can appear to be very kind, sweet, and very sensitive. This person insists that you do not live in the same reality as them, and that you cannot trust your own memory, judgements, or instincts.
Defensiveness, on the other hand, is exhibited by someone who can come across as very angry, annoyed, or irritable and blames the other person for why things went wrong. This person is able to recall the same things you do, and blames you instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.
The term originates from a 1938 British play called, “Gas Light.” The story is about a husband who purposefully dims the gas lights when his wife is not around, knocks the walls, moves or removes items around the house, then denies he ever did any of those things. His wife begins to question her own sanity, and starts to believe she is losing her mind.
The most common question I get from people who are being gaslit is, “Am I crazy?”
With gaslighting, the victim is made to question their own instincts, feelings, and sanity.
This is different from someone being, “defensive,” which is defined by The Gottman Institute as a way of blaming others for your own actions, instead of taking responsibility for how you have hurt others.
Here are some examples of each side-by-side:
Gaslighting | Defensiveness |
This person tells blatant lies about whether or not something happened. | This person is able to acknowledge something happened, and has a hard time saying sorry for how they have hurt you. |
This person makes you question if something actually happened at all. | This person blames you for their actions. |
This person makes you question your reality, and insists that you are misremembering things. | This person is in the same reality as you, and acknowledges the incident you are talking about, but deflects the blame onto others. |
This person eventually makes you feel like you’re going crazy, because you start to wonder if you can trust yourself. | This person makes you feel frustrated and annoyed because they cannot see things from your perspective. |
Natalie Frazier, LMFT
Natalie's work is primarily focused on Couples and Individual Adults. She is experienced in grief and loss counseling, traumas (sexual and life-threatening), marital relations (including communication skills and infidelity), and emotion regulation (such as anger management and depression). She seeks to be an ally to all communities.
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